Now that NASA has identified our “earth like” planet, what you call Kepler 452b and we call what sounds to you like an alligator puking, I guess we no longer need to pretend that we’re just oil company CEOs working to make you energy independent of your puny sun and flaccid winds. We’ve been doing this since our flesh puppet Ronald Reagan took those solar panels off the White House roof.
Today we’re closer than ever to transforming your frigid tree infested blue marble planet to a more temperate 185-degree sandy orange dune world. As one of our oily front groups once stated, a slightly warmer planet will mean fewer heart attacks from shoveling snow. Plus it will be a friendlier breeding habitat for some of your (soon to be our) most adorable animals including Gila Monsters, termites and jellyfish.